1. I’m going to try this smashfizzle
-style 5 things post. I’ve been wanting to write more for a while now, but a whole post where I have to write on a theme and tie things together just seems…too much these days. I’m not going to put any pressure on myself to do this every Sunday, but hopefully I will write frequently. Getting back a little more to what I was hoping to do with this tumblr in the first place, i.e. hi I’m an actual person not just a reblogging machine. Speaking of which, feel free to say hi or send me a message or anything if you, too, are a real person and feel so inclined.
2. M is a little over seven months now. At the end of last month she started pulling herself up, and now she is crawling around, standing up, walking along the back of the couch, trying to climb up the bookcase. I’m enjoying each new stage more than the last, although it seems like she is going to be a handful very very soon. I think her body is going to allow her to do things before her brain can really process them, getting her into trouble. But that’s cool. She’s been wanting to be mobile for so long now, she seems so happy just to be able to crawl along and stand.
I listen to the stories that my mom tells of what I was like as a baby and I think, here are more ways that this baby is not like me. Apparently, even as a baby, I didn’t like to do things until I could do them right (supposedly I did not crawl, I just walked, and I did not do baby babble, I just started talking in full sentences). I also had an early fear of breaking rules. So this is probably for the best, as those aren’t character traits I like having. I love to watch her working hard at things - I am lazy. But it’s interesting that we probably have spawned an adventuresome extrovert.
Having been adopted, I very much wanted the experience of seeing myself in my daughter. Like, I’m fascinated by families where the kids look like little perfect blends of the parents. So far, it seems like she’s 85% dad. Maybe 90%. But I am in no way disappointed. Our children are little pieces of ourselves, but also entirely their own selves. Regardless, she has 100% of my heart.
3. I have been reading The Year of the Flood, by Margaret Atwood. I’m just getting to the point where it’s clear how it ties into the previous book. It’s been a fairly long time since I read the first book, and I’m not paying super close attention, so I feel like I’m missing some stuff, but I’m pretty into it overall. I feel impatient though, mostly because there are other books I really want to be reading right now. Tana French’s new book, and Americanah. But I don’t want to put this book down, and I no longer am able to read several books at once, like I used to when I was a child.
4. I’m trying not to let myself stress out too much over feeling like I’m missing something with the book, not reading closely enough. But also, lately I’ve been feeling like an imposter of a sort. I feel like I never really learned how to think. I did great at bullshitting in school, I can spit out an A+ essay on a book I have never read, but I can’t do the kinds of critical analyses that I think I should be able to do in my sleep. Really, I’m lazy. I read a challenging book and I know the rough outlines of what is meaningful and significant, but I can’t put it all together. Or, I’m too lazy to put it all together. But I want to work on this.
5. But I’m so tired all the time. Most days really aren’t so bad. M typically sleeps soundly from 7 until 3, then immediately back to sleep until I wake her up in the morning. But lately she has been waking up between 12 and 2, then again between 4 and 5:30, and that just totally fucks with my system. Do you want to know how much it fucks with my system? I bought Captain America Winter Soldier, which I did not get to see in the theatre because babby, but which I bought as soon as I was able to because I was so sure I would love it, and I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO WATCH IT BECAUSE I HAVE HAD TO GO TO BED AT 10:30 AND I HAVEN’T HAD A CHANCE TO START WATCHING SOMETHING BEFORE 9:30. So many sad faces. And excuses for being lazy.