M is two weeks old today. She’s still so little. We fall asleep together at night; unadvised, I know, but I can’t imagine any other way. I didn’t believe it would happen, I didn’t believe that I would love her so strongly and so immediately, but I do. At times, I almost feel unable to breathe because of how vulnerable that makes me feel.
Her face is so tiny. She purses her lips, and I can’t believe her mouth can be so small. She screams when she is very upset and I can’t believe her mouth can be so large. I spend so much time looking so closely at her tiny face that everyone else seems enormous. Kima looks like an Irish wolfhound. Shawn looks like an actual giant.
Sometimes when she’s getting ready to nurse, she’ll purse her lips and open her eyes very wide and innocent, and then in a split second she’ll kind of shake her head and latch on ferociously, like she’s performing a sneak attack on my boob. Sometimes when she’s done nursing, she’ll make this face and move her hand in a way that makes her look like the world’s foremost breast milk connoisseur.
I’m tired, but not that tired. She wakes up once or twice during the night for milk/ diaper change, and I usually fall asleep right away. I’m a little bored and lonely. I’m still spending a lot of time upstairs in the bedroom, because the other day I went up and down stairs too much and started bleeding more heavily. It makes me feel like a captive. I wish I could cook. I started reading collections of short stories, which are perfect for this time and attention span.
We’ve also spent a lot of time watching a lot of TV - Justified (maybe my favorite season yet), Sherlock (truly terrible, right?), True Detective, working on House of Cards (I still don’t like it, and I think Shawn has had enough just 4 eps in), and soon Hannibal. What else are we supposed to do with this time?
I’m surprised by how quickly we’ve adjusted, by how right this feels. I could have easily made the decision not to do this, not to bring yet another human into this world, and thinking about how close I came to not knowing this happiness almost blinds me with sadness. I am a little more emotional right now. I’m not trying to convince anyone, I’m just surprised I don’t need convincing myself.
She’s starting to open her eyes more now, to spend more time awake and alert without crying or eating. She’s getting bigger, ounce by ounce.