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M is seven weeks old today. She was almost twelve pounds at six weeks - a cute little chunkette with a fine double chin, which is fun and cute to joke about now, but I am also already worried about how not to give my daughter a body image complex. But fuck it, for now it’s fun to joke about her trying to eat her toy panda.
It’s crazy how much things have changed between two weeks and now. In a lot of ways, they’ve gotten a lot harder. Once she started regularly opening her eyes, she also started crying a lot more. All the time. We recently went to the doctor, and we’re pretty sure she has acid reflux, so hopefully the medicine works and she’s less cranky all the time.
It’s weird, I still feel like she doesn’t look much like me. Maybe because she doesn’t have my hair, but she really doesn’t seem to have much of me except for my chubby cheeks. I guess mostly what I’m saying is she doesn’t look super Asian, and it’s throwing me, as I was so focused on having to prepare to deal with issues of representation, raising an Asian girl. Not that that thinking will go to waste, just, it’s different.
Also, I’m already starting to feel guilty about a billion things. Not doing a better job documenting this time (I meant to write this post at four weeks, not seven). Getting ready to go back to work. Putting her in daycare so early. Co-sleeping. Not co-sleeping. Keeping a dirty house. Letting the dog get fat. Being late with my thank you notes. blah blah blah. I feel much more prepared to deal with these guilty feelings now since being in therapy, but it’s especially hard when I’m really tired. It’s not all the time, but still quite often.
One thing that’s really weird for me is not knowing all the best resources for being a parent. Like, I’ve spent practically my whole life on the Internet and I’ve built years of knowledge on where to go for what information, how to stay on top of the latest. This world of parenting on the Internet seems so awful to me, like it’s been developed by middle-aged moms who only know Pinterest and Facebook - like it’s either Yahoo answers or it’s commercial glossy parenting magazines. Where’s The Awl equivalent?
But overall, things are going really well. She’s getting bigger by the day. By the minute, almost. She’s so strong - she holds her head up really well and she stands up on our lap and props herself up. She’s starting to coo, and starting to really respond to us. She’s starting to grab on a lot more, almost give us hugs. Hopefully with the medicine, she also spends more time awake not nursing and not crying (it’s getting better already).
I miss her new new baby smell. She still smells good, but it’s not the same.
But overall, things get better and better. And I can’t lie, I’m pretty happy to have the pregnancy weight off. Although it was fun wearing pants with elastic waistbands for ten months, it’s nice to have some of my wardrobe back (I still have to go shopping for new shirts). My body feels mostly like my own again, aside from constantly covering me and everything I own with milk. gross.